Losing ground

i hate to admit it, but i came unglued this weekend. despite all my efforts, and the hard work of my husband i just couldn't keep it together. i think i saw it coming for a few days, but yesterday, i just broke down and needed to flee.

you see, my children are becoming toddlers. not yet walking, but have gained independence, and then have realized they are dependant on us. avery especially. putting her down for naps and bed was NEVER a problem. she was my "good sleeper". you could set a clock to her sleep routine, and when she woke from her ever- so- peaceful slumber she was happy to play and talk to herself in her crib. now, putting her down for anything is a struggle. she flips over and stands in her crib screaming and biting the wood. we have gone back to sleepless nights, waking about every two hours to screams to find her sitting up and pulling her hair out of frustration because she hasn't figured out how to lay back down. we'll find her asleep sitting up with her head against the bumper of the crib and try to decide whether or not to lay her down, for fear of waking her. my little egg time has become a ticking time bomb.
the time i had to myself is staring to dwindle away again. i know nothing is easy, and they are people, not robots, but it so much easier to say it when your babies comply. i feel like i have a newborn again, and it sucks!!!! i'm back to having anxiety for the nap times i had all to myself, and for the 12 hour sleep filled nights, because these are no more. i'm afraid vaughn will follow in avery's tiny foot steps, his history is so. vaughn was a terribly restless sleeper the first 8 months, and the past 4 have been bliss. but it will change, right?

so, yesterday i snapped. i screamed and cried, and stomped my feet like a 5 year old. i wanted to hit someone, throw something and stomp on it until it was broken into a thousand pieces. thankfully, rick gave me the go ahead to get out. i put on my running shoes, and pounded the shit out of the pavement. i ran and imagined the concrete breaking under my feet. i ran, and ran faster and faster until my chest hurt, and tears streamed down my face. i didn't care how sore i'd be the next day, it just felt so good to feel free. i feel helpless, and afraid to take the days on by myself for the rest of the week. i feel resentment for the people who have nannies, and mothers, and mother-in-laws to bail them out so they can just decompress. i hate when they talk about how hard it is, and go to work the next day or drop their kids off for the night at the grandparents house. i hate that i have to do the laundry, i have to balance the check book, vacuum the dog hair, make appointments for other people, and try to take a shower in one god damn day. not to mention, wrangle two kids. i want someone to pick up the pieces for me. i don't want to hear "i told you so!", or any stupid anecdotal phrase. i just want it to stop. i want to do something unplanned, because everything i do, i have on that stupid calender. i hate it right now!!! i have always been so selfless, and now i have nothing left for me. i, for the first time see how mothers can get depressed. and i hate myself for understanding that. i don't want to be one of those women who get lost. i don't want to have resentment. i want to enjoy the now, not wish my babies would grow up, so i can get through this, and get some sleep. i know this is only a rough patch, and it will pass. for know it is just that, rough!

The sound of music

the cicadas are emerging, and i'm obsessed. every night, i check the lawn and my trees for the lil' buggers. this morning i stepped outside to their lovely sound. i know this is strange to most people, but the sound i so regularly imitate, is the sound of summer (to me anyway). i'm afraid that they will consume my yard tho' (figuratively speaking). having the babies, and being outside as much as possible, these friends of mine may be the summer party crashers, until they die off in july. anyone inundated with them?? some areas will be worse than others, and knowing some treas on my block are 100 years old, i thought i'd have more. so far, i'm not finding any in my yard...yet. don't worry, i'm not planning on making any cicada cookies or muffins.

Hair Removal : Ist session

so, i had my first light hair removal session. it is not a laser, but a pulsed light handpiece. the light flash seeks the pigment in your hair, and disables the follicle from producing hair. i have to go back 9 times for total hair loss in the areas. what is nice is, if any hair grows after treatment, they will see you free for a whole year to guarantee the hair will not grow back. during the consultation, the woman had asked me if i wanted to have a full bikini treatment
( brazilian, in other words). now after having children, modesty kind of disappears, but i couldn't imagine having a pulsed light handpiece pointed in some of those areas. do i really want to be 70 years old with a "telly savalis"?? i don't think so. anyhow, i purchased the regular bikini treatment, and got underarm treatment for free (yeah). i am looking forward to not having to shave, or wax these areas ever again. WHHHOOO WHOOOOO!!!!!
i arrived to the suite, and was greeted by a very nice girl, who offered me a glass of water and a breath mint. " does my breath stink?" i think to myself. i take one anyway. and sit down. luckily, they took me in right away. needless to say i was a bit anxious, because i had no idea what to expect. the esthetition (we'll call her "E") who would be treating my areas, was really sweet and kinda quiet, so i started my nervous talking thing. which would eventually get me to my ultimate question.

"so E, are you busy this time of year?"
"how long have you been here?"
"are you married?"
"do you have any children?"

" E, how much is this going to hurt???"

i know they described it as a snap from a rubber band, but how big is the rubber band and how far is the rubber band being pulled? E honestly explained, that she really can't tell me what to expect, because everyone reacts differently. she also told me to stop her if i was in terrible discomfort, but if i had ever had endured being waxed in these areas, that this would be a "piece of cake". now, the one time i had my under arms waxed was THE PITS!!!!! pardon the pun. so , if it was easier than that, i knew i'd be o.k. besides, i had twins, what could be worse than the last few weeks of pregnancy?

so, E fires up the handpiece, gives me a pair of glasses for protection, and begins to blow ICE cold air onto my arm pit. she places the hand piece onto my skin, and i immediately tense up. she fires...i jump "oooh, that wasn't so bad" i say. it was like a hard rubber band snap followed by a burning sensation. she fires again, and then blows the ice cold air onto the area, "ahhh". as she treated the bikini area, i probably jumped every time she fired the handpiece and i don't really know why. it wasn't really that uncomfortable, i guess it was just a reflex, but all in all it wasn't terrible. i just felt like an idiot, because i apologized 37 times, and couldn't stop that either. i still couldn't imagine having a full bikini treatment done. wow!! that would hurt.

reminiscing

i was skimming through my pictures and came across this one. what a beaut! at least i'm smiling (because i have such a great sense of humor). it just so happened to have been taken a year ago to the day. i try to remember how it felt to have two bodies inside me. sometimes, when i have horrible gas pain, i can close my eyes, and it kinda feels the same way. if i could do anything, i would love to go back in time and experience the feeling of both babies churning around. some nights were so uncomfortable, i would cry out in pain. it would feel like vaughn was trying to break my ribs with his legs, and avery would ball up against my liver, but i'll never have that feeling again. how precious. (ha ha)
this time last year, i slept on the couch, bobbled around from chair to couch, to chair again. i was so miserable!!! this picture was taken when the worst was setting in and gaining a pound a day in water. my legs were so swollen it felt like my skin would tear, and i couldn't put my feet together anymore. i begged god (and my doctor) for these babies to arrive, and was so relieved when my water finally broke. the torture would end...and then started a new beginning.
it is so amazing how fast a year goes by. it seams like yesterday. now i look at these babies, soon to be toddlers, and i am in such disbelief these kids came out of me! now that they are on the move, and can feed themselves, it shows how independant they are becoming. now i know what my parents meant when we were growing up. the older we get, the faster time passes. so my friends, savor every moment.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

i was watching my favorite morning show, and they had a witch visiting. she was explaining her practices to the audience. she had prefaced her explanation by saying she did not practice black magic or worship satan, and that witches are often misunderstood. this woman was beautiful, and soft spoken. she even did a love spell with the female host (only to strengthen the love she already shares with her partner). she used, like all other spells, natural elements; salt, flowers, fire, earth, and water. i thought it was lovely.
i got to thinking. what is the difference between wicca and other religions? all have ceremonies with symbolic chanting or prayer, lighting candles, worshiping a higher power, icons, statues, amulets and charms. christians, jews, muslims, and buddists all use and do these things right? each religion has it's own beautiful traditions.
why do people think a witch practicing wicca is different? is it because she doesn't celebrate one god? why would wicca be less divine then other religions? or even evil. i know education plays a big roll in it all. even though i took world religions in high school, i didn't really appreciate the class as i would today. i never absorbed all of the information, so i can't say i know very much, even about my own religion. i guess if you are narrow minded, and unwilling to understand the way someone else worships their highest power, or powers, the "weird one" would be considered evil.

No Soliciters

so many of us have been subjected to unsolicited advice, and i know i share my frustrations quite often. but, i have a hard time saying " thank you for your advice, i appreciate your input." when i really want to say " you know asshole, i didn't ask you in the first place. besides, i would NEVER take advice from you!!"

why in the world do people need to put in their two cents? i admit, i have been guilty of dropping in pennies, but there are some people out there who really need the direction, and in certain instances, biting my tongue is hard to do. as a rule i try not to do it.

the other morning i was shopping at out neighborhood market. this lady was looking for hamburger buns, taking up the whole isle with her cart and her...ass. all i wanted was to quickly grab my item, and continue shopping. i politely said "excuse me ma'am" and squeezed past her. i caught her attention, so she decided to watch me like a hawk. i happened to be looking for some organic soy nut butter (same isle as all the bread products), so i squatted down to take a gander at the selection. i hear her breathing...

" ohhh, (huffing and puffing) what the hell is wrong with skippy, don'tcha like peanuts, or are you one of those natural freaks? you should eat peanut butter, it's better for you. my kids lived off skippy peanut butter."

i just pretend to not hear her, so she talks louder.

"what? you could buy 2 of those jumbo jars for the same price as that little thing!"
trying to contain the rage, i slowly turned around in the squatting position, stood up, threw the jar into my cart, and said.

"ma'am, i don't think i asked for your opinion, did i"
and walked away.

who does that??? i get enough from the people who know me, but from a stranger?

you see, the two things i KNOWi am good at are #1: my previous job. i kicked ass, and it's OK for me to say so. it was the one job i was happy doing. i tried to educate myself in that field to make the job as easy as possible. i think i earned a great deal of respect in that practice, and in turn respected the others around me. #2: my current profession (on paper), parenting. well, i do the same as i did 2 years ago. i just help people and organize the day in a different way. i run my household as i would a daycare center. i know i'm good at it, i'm happy, i am educated in early childhood development, but always read to gain as much knowledge as possible. i know i'm no expert, but it is difficult for me to become accustomed to people questioning me about my kids nutrition, development, nap routine, bed time. when i was working in oral surgery, everyone assumed i had things under control. so for someone to tell me i might be doing something wrong with my kids, infuriates me and i take it very personally. everyone is a doctor, or didn't you know that? it's not like my name is joan crawford, making my kids stare at the same plate of food for 2 days until they eat it, or strapping them into bed at night. i just refuse to allow them to live off cheetos and cookies. they're not anorexic, they won't choose to starve. i will only provide food that contains nutrition. if they are really hungry, they'll eat it. and yes they are starting to develop the selective toddler palate, and certain things they would eat with great gusto, are now spit out or thrown onto the floor. so, i give them another healthy choice. if they don't eat it, i assume they aren't hungry, and mealtime is over. in regards to they're sleeping routine, my kids love it. i don't put them there at strange non-sleeping times for torture so i can relax. i've set their little internal clocks to go to sleep at appropriate times for their age. what is wrong with that? why do people care anyway?? i'm not hurting anyone. in fact, we ( the people under this roof) all find comfort in knowing what comes next. i'm not saying they won't give me a fight at bed time when they get older, i'm prepared if they do, but i won't "fight" back. i'll just simply demand it.

i think people comment 'cause they just don't do it the same way. it's like folding laundry. i have a very specific way i fold towels, and i fold them this way because they fit inside my closet better. i once spent way too much time re-folding towels and putting them back into the linen closet then it would have taken just to fold them in the first place. you are all saying, "whoooa, is she anal", no, well yes, but my closet wouldn't close because the towels were hanging off the edge and pushing on the door. i remember going to my sisters house after my nephew was born, and asking how she likes her towels folded. i assume she likes them folded a certain way, but i wouldn't say to her,
"you know i fold my towels like this because they fit in my closet perfectly, you should try it."
what if her linen closet is configured in a different manner? better yet, why would i care?

i can be hard on people sometimes, i guess there are individuals who are really exited to share they're " tips of the trade". look people, don't get me wrong, it's not like i won't accept advice along the way, but don't expect me to be "oh so gracious" when i'm not looking for it. i know i am doing a pretty damn good job considering i have a over flowing plate. i almost never complain about the difficulty of having twins. there is a reason god blessed me and rick with vaughn and avery. rick and i are a good team, and we have an understanding that most couples don't.

anyhow, now that this is all off my chest, i feel much better. nothin' like some good old venting.

Why The Mimic

O.K., just to clarify. My sister did do a good job describing why, but for those of you who know me WELL, you know I do have an uncontrolable urge to mimic noise (as said). I don't know why I do it, I just do. My friends at work once said they wanted to make a "Dina Soundtrack", of all my sound effects. My favorites are the cicadas and the sirens. I also do this kind of club music beat box thing. Holly, you remember right?? What's funny is, my children, although the don't speak, mimic noises too. Avery barks like a dog. Both make this clucking noise to eachother. It's the kind of clucking equestrians use to make their horses move faster. The funniest is the farting noise they make by pushing air through their sinuses, and out through their noses. How do they learn these things?? When I say "momma" they cluck at me in unison, and laugh. So, it's a house of pure mimicry. I hope they don't start to mimic the other adult in the house. The one who seems to lack the "edit" button sometimes. For those of you who know my husband well, we all know what things can come out of his mouth.
In closing, when late July falls upon us, and the sounds of summer are at their best, think of me in my backyard chirping along in harmony with the beloved cicadas.