Losing ground

i hate to admit it, but i came unglued this weekend. despite all my efforts, and the hard work of my husband i just couldn't keep it together. i think i saw it coming for a few days, but yesterday, i just broke down and needed to flee.

you see, my children are becoming toddlers. not yet walking, but have gained independence, and then have realized they are dependant on us. avery especially. putting her down for naps and bed was NEVER a problem. she was my "good sleeper". you could set a clock to her sleep routine, and when she woke from her ever- so- peaceful slumber she was happy to play and talk to herself in her crib. now, putting her down for anything is a struggle. she flips over and stands in her crib screaming and biting the wood. we have gone back to sleepless nights, waking about every two hours to screams to find her sitting up and pulling her hair out of frustration because she hasn't figured out how to lay back down. we'll find her asleep sitting up with her head against the bumper of the crib and try to decide whether or not to lay her down, for fear of waking her. my little egg time has become a ticking time bomb.
the time i had to myself is staring to dwindle away again. i know nothing is easy, and they are people, not robots, but it so much easier to say it when your babies comply. i feel like i have a newborn again, and it sucks!!!! i'm back to having anxiety for the nap times i had all to myself, and for the 12 hour sleep filled nights, because these are no more. i'm afraid vaughn will follow in avery's tiny foot steps, his history is so. vaughn was a terribly restless sleeper the first 8 months, and the past 4 have been bliss. but it will change, right?

so, yesterday i snapped. i screamed and cried, and stomped my feet like a 5 year old. i wanted to hit someone, throw something and stomp on it until it was broken into a thousand pieces. thankfully, rick gave me the go ahead to get out. i put on my running shoes, and pounded the shit out of the pavement. i ran and imagined the concrete breaking under my feet. i ran, and ran faster and faster until my chest hurt, and tears streamed down my face. i didn't care how sore i'd be the next day, it just felt so good to feel free. i feel helpless, and afraid to take the days on by myself for the rest of the week. i feel resentment for the people who have nannies, and mothers, and mother-in-laws to bail them out so they can just decompress. i hate when they talk about how hard it is, and go to work the next day or drop their kids off for the night at the grandparents house. i hate that i have to do the laundry, i have to balance the check book, vacuum the dog hair, make appointments for other people, and try to take a shower in one god damn day. not to mention, wrangle two kids. i want someone to pick up the pieces for me. i don't want to hear "i told you so!", or any stupid anecdotal phrase. i just want it to stop. i want to do something unplanned, because everything i do, i have on that stupid calender. i hate it right now!!! i have always been so selfless, and now i have nothing left for me. i, for the first time see how mothers can get depressed. and i hate myself for understanding that. i don't want to be one of those women who get lost. i don't want to have resentment. i want to enjoy the now, not wish my babies would grow up, so i can get through this, and get some sleep. i know this is only a rough patch, and it will pass. for know it is just that, rough!

The sound of music

the cicadas are emerging, and i'm obsessed. every night, i check the lawn and my trees for the lil' buggers. this morning i stepped outside to their lovely sound. i know this is strange to most people, but the sound i so regularly imitate, is the sound of summer (to me anyway). i'm afraid that they will consume my yard tho' (figuratively speaking). having the babies, and being outside as much as possible, these friends of mine may be the summer party crashers, until they die off in july. anyone inundated with them?? some areas will be worse than others, and knowing some treas on my block are 100 years old, i thought i'd have more. so far, i'm not finding any in my yard...yet. don't worry, i'm not planning on making any cicada cookies or muffins.

Hair Removal : Ist session

so, i had my first light hair removal session. it is not a laser, but a pulsed light handpiece. the light flash seeks the pigment in your hair, and disables the follicle from producing hair. i have to go back 9 times for total hair loss in the areas. what is nice is, if any hair grows after treatment, they will see you free for a whole year to guarantee the hair will not grow back. during the consultation, the woman had asked me if i wanted to have a full bikini treatment
( brazilian, in other words). now after having children, modesty kind of disappears, but i couldn't imagine having a pulsed light handpiece pointed in some of those areas. do i really want to be 70 years old with a "telly savalis"?? i don't think so. anyhow, i purchased the regular bikini treatment, and got underarm treatment for free (yeah). i am looking forward to not having to shave, or wax these areas ever again. WHHHOOO WHOOOOO!!!!!
i arrived to the suite, and was greeted by a very nice girl, who offered me a glass of water and a breath mint. " does my breath stink?" i think to myself. i take one anyway. and sit down. luckily, they took me in right away. needless to say i was a bit anxious, because i had no idea what to expect. the esthetition (we'll call her "E") who would be treating my areas, was really sweet and kinda quiet, so i started my nervous talking thing. which would eventually get me to my ultimate question.

"so E, are you busy this time of year?"
"how long have you been here?"
"are you married?"
"do you have any children?"

" E, how much is this going to hurt???"

i know they described it as a snap from a rubber band, but how big is the rubber band and how far is the rubber band being pulled? E honestly explained, that she really can't tell me what to expect, because everyone reacts differently. she also told me to stop her if i was in terrible discomfort, but if i had ever had endured being waxed in these areas, that this would be a "piece of cake". now, the one time i had my under arms waxed was THE PITS!!!!! pardon the pun. so , if it was easier than that, i knew i'd be o.k. besides, i had twins, what could be worse than the last few weeks of pregnancy?

so, E fires up the handpiece, gives me a pair of glasses for protection, and begins to blow ICE cold air onto my arm pit. she places the hand piece onto my skin, and i immediately tense up. she fires...i jump "oooh, that wasn't so bad" i say. it was like a hard rubber band snap followed by a burning sensation. she fires again, and then blows the ice cold air onto the area, "ahhh". as she treated the bikini area, i probably jumped every time she fired the handpiece and i don't really know why. it wasn't really that uncomfortable, i guess it was just a reflex, but all in all it wasn't terrible. i just felt like an idiot, because i apologized 37 times, and couldn't stop that either. i still couldn't imagine having a full bikini treatment done. wow!! that would hurt.