Writing in the Spirit of Paula

It's a rainy, Wednesday afternoon and I'm feeling rather blue. Sometimes I feel like my mood brings on this weather.
Wednesday's were our days to chat endlessly, to hang out without kids during the school year, or with them over the summer. The last few years, they were the days I would help her if she had treatments, whether she needed a chauffeur to the hospital or to pick the kids up from school or camp. A lot of my Wednesday's, I would spend an entire day into the evening at their little home, cleaning, doing laundry, throwing together a meal, spending time with her, Otto and Nelson and an occasional dinner with Casey if I stayed into the evening. The Wednesday's we weren't together, I'd call her after I dropped the kids off at school, and she'd always pick up on the 1st ring. It was our routine.

This week has been looming over me since the beginning of the month. A year ago tomorrow was the beginning of her decline. A year ago tomorrow was the last day she was at my house. Paula dropped off the boys for the day, since she had appointments, tests, scans and everything else under the sun to diagnose the latest symptom. Her distended belly.
I remember the feeling that came over me while I watched her walk down our brick path to the gate. She was wearing a cute cotton pencil skirt, her black wedge sandals and an adorable cartigan sweater with her favorite headscarf. As she walked away, I knew, this was the last day she would be walking down that path.
The kids and I had a wonderful day. We had one of the younger Rizzis with us too, which changed the dynamic, and gave Avery another girl to hang with. However, regardless of the laughing, the squeals of excitement as I spun all 5 kids on the merri-go-round at the park, I remember seeing and feeling a darkness that day when I looked at Otto and Nelson. It hovered like a gray cloud, and I tried to counter it. I wished it away, used all my positivity and inner light to send it somewhere else, but it lingered. That night, we received the news that little could be done for Paula, and her liver was failing.

I've read about grief, had therapy sessions to cope, but grief  has no difinative path, list or direction. Grief is personal and unique for every individual. There are days I almost forget I'll never see her again, then nights I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face, missing my sister so desperately. Those nights I feel like I might die, because my heart is so broken. I once read, the 1st year after someone you love passes, is easier than the ones to come. During the 1st year, you push yourself through the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. You expect those times will be difficult, but it's the years to follow when it becomes REAL. It's the realization of the permanence of death. It's knowing I'm forgetting how her hugs felt, the placement of the beauty marks that were drizzled all over her body. I miss the way she snapped her gum, and the look of her beautiful, long tapered fingers, and her funky feet. She was the one person, beside my husband, I could say anything to, discuss everything with, without fear, shame or hesitation. We used to cuddle on the couch, rub feet and massage shoulders and she'd always find something to pick at on my back. My sister would revise all of my writing, correct grammar and note my run on sentences. She was an amazing writer, and I only wish I had a fraction of her intelligence, not to mention her sense of style.

My kids miss their Aunt Lala more than I ever thought they would. Every gift she gave them or made for them are cherished like gold. They talk about conversations they had together, or silly ways she'd act, or faces she would make. My children found so much comfort in her, and she was their favorite aunt. There are some nights they cry for Paula, and we hold each other tight. Avery tells me she's sorry for me, and I wonder how my 11 year old could have so much empathy. Vaughn, he holds it in until he explodes into tears, and hugs me and says he'll never let me go.

I miss my sister, it's just that brutally simple. I will never have a relationship with anyone, like I had with her. I feel so lucky to have shared love with her for so long. Not everyone has that type of relationship with their siblings, and I am grateful.

Today, I write in the Spirit of my sister Paula. I write for me. I write knowing she's reading this, missing me too, while correcting all of my mistakes. 💗

Chuchette

My son is the child who still sleeps with a pacifier (or chuchette)-and I stress, SLEEPS with it only. I do not allow him to have it any other place but his bed. (OK ,I take it back, if the very occasional nap time is in the car, he can have it)

Today, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't falling asleep during nap time. 1 hour became two, so I decided to go up there and investigate. He had thrown everything out of his crib, and was smiling.

Maybe he's not tired? I thought.

Not my son, he's the kind of kid who requires at least two hours of nap, and 11 hours of sleep at night.

After finding his two pacifiers on the floor, I figured he had bitten through them. When he's teething, he bites on them with all his might to relieve the pressure and bites holes in them, "breaking" them.
I snagged the reserve one in the cabinet, and he put it in his mouth, and he fell fast asleep.

I know it's a "crutch", but if it gets him to sleep, would it really be a crime if Vaughn had a pacifier until he's say...18?

Pre- School, Already?

Panic stricken, my friend Katie called me to inform me that we have to start looking into pre-schools for the kids. She spoke with my neighbor about the program she sent her kids too, and was told that there is a pretty large waiting list, and we should sign up a.s.a.p. for next fall to insure a spot. Now, there are a ton of programs we could send them, but our school district has an internal program. It makes the most sense for me to send them to the school district pre-school program.

It is so crazy how fast time goes, and how fast we are making it fly. V and A are only 2 years and 4 months old. They are starting school a year from now! Yes, it's pre-school, but real school none the less.

Swinging into Summer...too late

Last week was a great week. I finally got together with my High School friends, two of them with twins, and one is a new momma. I went over to my neighbor Katie's house for drinks after the kids went to bed. Rick and I took Vaughn and Avery for a fun day at the near by Lake Park for some afternoon fun. This week, we walked to our community center, played at the park, had a picnic snack and looked for ducks in the pond. After nap, we went over to the pool, and the kids for the first time, REALLY enjoyed themselves. Vaughn was running through the sprinklers screaming his head off. Avery was dancing under the raining flower doing arabesques. We went over to the "big" pool, and they actually walked in on their own. Avery lays on her belly in the zero depth area and kicks her feet. Finally, we had some playtime with almost all the cousins, and they really had a ball.


Every morning when I wake up, I look out the window and notice that it isn't as light out anymore, and the sun is setting earlier and earlier with every passing day. It makes me sad, because I feel like I've just now, dove into summer. As soon as it arrived, it will disappear. I'm trying to soak up every day, and enjoy the shoelessness, the easy "go throw some shorts on". I love flip flops and afternoons at the park. Grilling every night, or going out to a restaurant to sit outside with a Mojito.

Summer is the best time of year for me. This is one of the best summers I've ever had.

The few things I dislike about Summer

We all love summer right? The warm weather, being outside in the fresh air...I could go on for hours. There are some things that are really ANNOYING about summer. I know they don't out weigh the winter's crappiness, but they do exist, so let me tell you what I don't like.

There are only 3 (thank god, any I experienced all of them last night)

#3) Mosquitoes.
I would venture to guess we all hate these little buggers. At least we can repel them. This is why they are at the bottom of the list.

#2) Firecrackers.
Since having children, I have grown to HATE, HATE, HATE them. The people of the neighborhood are always firing them off when my children are sleeping ('cause it's dark). The home schooled kids down the street happen to light 'em up in the street, and scream at the top of their lungs. It kills me. I guess it is that time of year, and not much can be done about it for the next month. Thank god for the sound machines we purchased for the kids a few months ago. They muffle out a lot when they are on the highest setting, although, last night they were awakened at 10pm by the last pops of them. This too can be stopped after 10pm when the noise ordinance kicks in. It's just a quick call to the police station.

#1) Ding Dong Ditchers.

In our case since we do not have a doorbell, the little bastards either knock ferociously, or in the last situation, kick the door so hard the knocker we have knocks with the aftershock. I was watching a movie at about 11pm, when I was startled by the sound of someone kicking my door in. I slapped my husband in the face a few times (who was sleeping in my lap) to wake him screaming "wake up, didn't you hear that?". I heard the punks leaping from the stairs, and scatter. My first instinct is to open the door an let my trusty hound out to "sick 'em". But I didn't. I put Louie's leash on, and walked around outside saying,
"OK Louie, find them. Hey punks, should I let my dog find you, and you can square it up with him? Next time I will, and I'll tell the cops you were trespassing".

I saw a little punk kid scamper across the street and dodge behind a house.

There isn't much you can do. Kids will be kids. I guess it's payback for my husbands behavior as a teen.

All in all, summer is fantastic! If it was only a few months longer.

I'll scratch your back, if you'll scratch mine

My friend Katie and I have begun kid swapping. We started this after we watched each others kids a few afternoons to get some errands done. I finally said to her,

"Hey, why the hell aren't we doing this once a week?"

So, the birth of "Kid Swapping".

I LOVE it!! Who wouldn't? I have 2 free hours a week for anything. The best part is, it's free and guilt free since I then watch her son.

These past few weeks, all I've done is accumulate supplies for my yard. Overall, I have worked a total of 8 hours doing yard work during naptime. It is finally looking pretty nice. I have a few more things I'd like to do, but the maintenance alone will keep me busy all summer when the kids aren't.

Imaginations Gone Wild

Last week, my lovely daughter told me that she was going to run away. I was changing her diaper, and she looks at me and says

"Mom (yes Mom), I onna run way."

"Your going to run away?" I asked

"Yep Mom, run..aaaaway" and she points her finger towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked

"I, I , I live at store!"

I decide to inquire further.

"What will you eat and drink at the store?"

Without hesitation, " I eat Thai food, and drink coffee" she replies

"And who will change your diaper and give you a bath?"

With a big smile, "Katie will change a diaper" (she's our good friend).



After lunch today, Vaughn and I were talking about Daddy.

"Vaughn, what is Daddy?" (they usually reply"A Man")

"Daddy a bird"

"Daddy is a bird?What color is Daddy?"

"green, yeah a green bird. He fly away, to far (reaching to the ceiling) to high, can't reach 'em"

"And Mommy is...?"

"A yellow...bunny rabbit"

"What are you?"

"A green bird, no... a bunny rabbit bird" I guess her understands the blending of DNA.

"You are a bunny rabbit bird?"

"Oh" ("Oh", means "yes" to Vaughn, it's an Italian thing I think)

"What is Avery then?"

"Avey a red (her favorite color) bunny rabbit too."

It is so funny to watch how much they imagine every day. I've learned a votive candle can be a baby's bottle, a fig bar bitten a certain way can become a boot for your finger. Spitting water from your mouth makes you an elephant, and a dust bunny from under the couch is a mouse.