so many of us have been subjected to unsolicited advice, and i know i share my frustrations quite often. but, i have a hard time saying " thank you for your advice, i appreciate your input." when i really want to say " you know asshole, i didn't ask you in the first place. besides, i would NEVER take advice from you!!"
why in the world do people need to put in their two cents? i admit, i have been guilty of dropping in pennies, but there are some people out there who really need the direction, and in certain instances, biting my tongue is hard to do. as a rule i try not to do it.
the other morning i was shopping at out neighborhood market. this lady was looking for hamburger buns, taking up the whole isle with her cart and her...ass. all i wanted was to quickly grab my item, and continue shopping. i politely said "excuse me ma'am" and squeezed past her. i caught her attention, so she decided to watch me like a hawk. i happened to be looking for some organic soy nut butter (same isle as all the bread products), so i squatted down to take a gander at the selection. i hear her breathing...
" ohhh, (huffing and puffing) what the hell is wrong with skippy, don'tcha like peanuts, or are you one of those natural freaks? you should eat peanut butter, it's better for you. my kids lived off skippy peanut butter."
i just pretend to not hear her, so she talks louder.
"what? you could buy 2 of those jumbo jars for the same price as that little thing!"
trying to contain the rage, i slowly turned around in the squatting position, stood up, threw the jar into my cart, and said.
"ma'am, i don't think i asked for your opinion, did i"
and walked away.
who does that??? i get enough from the people who know me, but from a stranger?
you see, the two things i KNOWi am good at are #1: my previous job. i kicked ass, and it's OK for me to say so. it was the one job i was happy doing. i tried to educate myself in that field to make the job as easy as possible. i think i earned a great deal of respect in that practice, and in turn respected the others around me. #2: my current profession (on paper), parenting. well, i do the same as i did 2 years ago. i just help people and organize the day in a different way. i run my household as i would a daycare center. i know i'm good at it, i'm happy, i am educated in early childhood development, but always read to gain as much knowledge as possible. i know i'm no expert, but it is difficult for me to become accustomed to people questioning me about my kids nutrition, development, nap routine, bed time. when i was working in oral surgery, everyone assumed i had things under control. so for someone to tell me i might be doing something wrong with my kids, infuriates me and i take it very personally. everyone is a doctor, or didn't you know that? it's not like my name is joan crawford, making my kids stare at the same plate of food for 2 days until they eat it, or strapping them into bed at night. i just refuse to allow them to live off cheetos and cookies. they're not anorexic, they won't choose to starve. i will only provide food that contains nutrition. if they are really hungry, they'll eat it. and yes they are starting to develop the selective toddler palate, and certain things they would eat with great gusto, are now spit out or thrown onto the floor. so, i give them another healthy choice. if they don't eat it, i assume they aren't hungry, and mealtime is over. in regards to they're sleeping routine, my kids love it. i don't put them there at strange non-sleeping times for torture so i can relax. i've set their little internal clocks to go to sleep at appropriate times for their age. what is wrong with that? why do people care anyway?? i'm not hurting anyone. in fact, we ( the people under this roof) all find comfort in knowing what comes next. i'm not saying they won't give me a fight at bed time when they get older, i'm prepared if they do, but i won't "fight" back. i'll just simply demand it.
i think people comment 'cause they just don't do it the same way. it's like folding laundry. i have a very specific way i fold towels, and i fold them this way because they fit inside my closet better. i once spent way too much time re-folding towels and putting them back into the linen closet then it would have taken just to fold them in the first place. you are all saying, "whoooa, is she anal", no, well yes, but my closet wouldn't close because the towels were hanging off the edge and pushing on the door. i remember going to my sisters house after my nephew was born, and asking how she likes her towels folded. i assume she likes them folded a certain way, but i wouldn't say to her,
"you know i fold my towels like this because they fit in my closet perfectly, you should try it."
what if her linen closet is configured in a different manner? better yet, why would i care?
i can be hard on people sometimes, i guess there are individuals who are really exited to share they're " tips of the trade". look people, don't get me wrong, it's not like i won't accept advice along the way, but don't expect me to be "oh so gracious" when i'm not looking for it. i know i am doing a pretty damn good job considering i have a over flowing plate. i almost never complain about the difficulty of having twins. there is a reason god blessed me and rick with vaughn and avery. rick and i are a good team, and we have an understanding that most couples don't.
anyhow, now that this is all off my chest, i feel much better. nothin' like some good old venting.
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10 comments:
i hate to get on a post that say as clear as day "no soliciters" and be the solicitor [and no, i'm not going to poke fun at your spelling either] but i think you would feel better if you would either a) really speak your mind and firmly but with love, let these busybodies know that you've got it under control or b) just say, "perhaps!" and try not to take it so personally. sometimes people give advice because, just like you, they did something that was novel at that time that really worked for them. there are some folks that see how well you have things under control that may feel defensive themselves because they did the very thing that you think is a bad idea, so they try to poke holes in your determination. trust me, as as autodidact in childbirth hypnosis, i had lots of people that wanted to make sure they told me i was koo-koo. don't get defensive: stay calm, take a deep breath and smile knowing they don't make the decisions in your household.
hypnotic pterydactyl, huh?
deeeeenzeeee, as your bro-in-lo, i think everything you do is fantastic. a fantastic mom with a great personality, and very fun to be around. focus on the good things.
oops - i pulled a zed, that was unqueso on the last post.
whooopsie!! i woiuld never win a spelling bee that's for sure.
thank's p, you always give me good advice!
Rule One: Never feel as though you have to defend your choices.
The lady in the supermarket had a bone to pick with people who spend more money "health food". She was rude and offensive, you're response was on the money perfect.
Just be thankful that she is not your mother. lol
I have to say that I have to hold my tongue when it comes to people with dogs. Zed is constantly "kicking me under the table" when confronted with someone who, IMHO, does next to nothing to train or care for his/her dog and then complains about the beast to boot.
D, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that this doesn't end once you no longer have babies. My 5 & 7 yr olds were playing outside, I had the back door open and was listening to them as an argument began- shocker. Anyway, I've been trying to let them work some things out for themselves, but as the volume rose and the whining began, I stepped out the door onto the porch, yelled a few threats, and it was over. My oh-so-helpful neighbor (single gal in her 50s, no kids) was walking from her garage to her door when I came out and she looked at me and said "I was afraid there was going to be a p-u-s-h down the s-t-a-i-r-s!" Yes, she spelled it all... and, yes, both of my kids can spell these words. I politely said, "Oh," and walked back into my house. I WANTED to say, "maybe you should mind your own b-e-e-s-w-a-x!"
I think the bottom line for us is to remember not to do it to other moms and dads.
holly, you're 100% right. it's very easy to fall into the same cycle of judgment and defense. everyone does the best they can -- that's all we can do!
Dina -
Just remember that you are a wonderful person and mother and it takes a special type of person to be a "Mom of Multiples"....
hollis, i can only imagine the look on your kids faces when you neighbor conducted her own little spelling bee.
thanks lola, you're quite an increadible "multiple's mom" yourself!
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