i hate to admit it, but i came unglued this weekend. despite all my efforts, and the hard work of my husband i just couldn't keep it together. i think i saw it coming for a few days, but yesterday, i just broke down and needed to flee.
you see, my children are becoming toddlers. not yet walking, but have gained independence, and then have realized they are dependant on us. avery especially. putting her down for naps and bed was NEVER a problem. she was my "good sleeper". you could set a clock to her sleep routine, and when she woke from her ever- so- peaceful slumber she was happy to play and talk to herself in her crib. now, putting her down for anything is a struggle. she flips over and stands in her crib screaming and biting the wood. we have gone back to sleepless nights, waking about every two hours to screams to find her sitting up and pulling her hair out of frustration because she hasn't figured out how to lay back down. we'll find her asleep sitting up with her head against the bumper of the crib and try to decide whether or not to lay her down, for fear of waking her. my little egg time has become a ticking time bomb.
the time i had to myself is staring to dwindle away again. i know nothing is easy, and they are people, not robots, but it so much easier to say it when your babies comply. i feel like i have a newborn again, and it sucks!!!! i'm back to having anxiety for the nap times i had all to myself, and for the 12 hour sleep filled nights, because these are no more. i'm afraid vaughn will follow in avery's tiny foot steps, his history is so. vaughn was a terribly restless sleeper the first 8 months, and the past 4 have been bliss. but it will change, right?
so, yesterday i snapped. i screamed and cried, and stomped my feet like a 5 year old. i wanted to hit someone, throw something and stomp on it until it was broken into a thousand pieces. thankfully, rick gave me the go ahead to get out. i put on my running shoes, and pounded the shit out of the pavement. i ran and imagined the concrete breaking under my feet. i ran, and ran faster and faster until my chest hurt, and tears streamed down my face. i didn't care how sore i'd be the next day, it just felt so good to feel free. i feel helpless, and afraid to take the days on by myself for the rest of the week. i feel resentment for the people who have nannies, and mothers, and mother-in-laws to bail them out so they can just decompress. i hate when they talk about how hard it is, and go to work the next day or drop their kids off for the night at the grandparents house. i hate that i have to do the laundry, i have to balance the check book, vacuum the dog hair, make appointments for other people, and try to take a shower in one god damn day. not to mention, wrangle two kids. i want someone to pick up the pieces for me. i don't want to hear "i told you so!", or any stupid anecdotal phrase. i just want it to stop. i want to do something unplanned, because everything i do, i have on that stupid calender. i hate it right now!!! i have always been so selfless, and now i have nothing left for me. i, for the first time see how mothers can get depressed. and i hate myself for understanding that. i don't want to be one of those women who get lost. i don't want to have resentment. i want to enjoy the now, not wish my babies would grow up, so i can get through this, and get some sleep. i know this is only a rough patch, and it will pass. for know it is just that, rough!
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- Dina
- Des Plaines, Illinois, United States
10 comments:
Yikes! She is WOMAN, hear her roar!
As hard as this is, thank God for the little bit that allows you to keep your sanity. Tell, Rick, that giving you some time to go out and beat the pavement was sooo wonderful and you couldn't do this without him. Because it's true. It can be the glue that makes a family strong.
Believe me, having a nanny or a mother-in-law to help you doesn't always solve problems either.
i know that having someone help you is not always the answer. but maybe a house keeper, a bill payer. rick is so wonderful and does his share of it, but he has to put his 40 hours of labor a day. he comes home and jumps in with me. at least at his job he gets a morning and afternoon break
hm. have you looked at all into any twins groups... you know, when you're eating bon bons and luxuriating?
i saw this -- http://www.nomotc.org/ -- and there are lots more, i'm sure. i'm sure those ladies have far better advice and understanding than most anyone else, right?
keep running. it makes you sane.
Think about what would give you the most relief. Maybe a house cleaner twice a month to really scrub your kitchen or bathrooms for you, or someone who can watch the kids for 2 hours every week so that you can escape. It would probably be well worth a bit of money - say - $120.00 a month. You could probably even create a "peace of mind" stash to cover it.
rick and i were talking about getting an extra pair of hands every so often. after this weekend he admitted that i could use some help even one day a week.
ideally, i would like to have someone who can come and watch them for a few hours so i can go to the store, or run errands, so we can be free on the weekends. someone who they will eventually feel comfortable with so rick and i can go out and this person can feed them, and put them to bed.
this cuts into our budget, and that is what is frustrating.
you have to consider what you would be willing to pay for some peace. not having help can cut into your sanity, health, marriage, etc. once you have a helping hand, i think you'll find it's worth every penny. it's great to be sitting on fat pile of cash, but not if you feel resentful, unhealthy, and ready to snap.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Every mother I know has had this issue at some point. We are women who were raised being told we can be whoever we want- we can do anything any man can do- then we're told to stay home and take care of our kids. We need more and we shouldn't feel guilty about saying so, but we do feel guilty. Needing time to yourself is a priority- for everyone. If this happens and Rick isn't home, or cannot come home, you can still remove yourself- put the kids in their rooms to play, crying or not, and take 20 minutes to hit a pillow, cry it out, or run in place. THEY WILL BE FINE!
I feel self-care is the very best thing you can teach your children. You and Rick are their role models- do you want them to constantly sacrifice for others? No, you want them to have the confidence to care for themselves and therefore be able to care for others.
well said, holly.
I completely agree, Holly!
"I feel self-care is the very best thing you can teach your children. You and Rick are their role models- do you want them to constantly sacrifice for others? No, you want them to have the confidence to care for themselves and therefore be able to care for others."
Running TOTALLY keeps you sane and its YOUR time, away from everything and everyone! Dina, you are a wonderful mother, I hope you know that. You are a really great example to me.
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